YOU may all be wondering why, as I previously promised with such bravado, there haven’t been weekly updates of how the Tough Mudder training is coming along.
After making the rash public commitment to a strict training regime to get myself ready for the 25 obstacle, 18 km monolith that is Tough Mudder on 4 May, I imagine you all expected I would prove a dedicated and enthusiastic convertee.
That I would be regularly tweeting updates on how I just bench pressed 10 kilograms (let’s be realistic), or boasting about a new found ability to parkour around London — jumping over bicycle racks or using Oxford Street as a slalom running track.
Well, TM supporters, I have so far failed you. There has been no lengthy runs in the muddiest park I can find, occasionally commando rolling my way through a particularly appealing looking slop puddle just for the hell of it. And there definitely has been no weights sessions to help develop the kind of upper arm strength one could use to get across the monkey bars obstacle, or at least to take on Madonna in an arm wrestle.
Like TFL, I blame the snow. And cold. And rain. And the dark too, because, well, why not. It’s certainly not my fault that every time I stand on the threshold of my front door, dressed to exercise, a sudden gust of sleet and wind literally blows me back into the hallway, through the kitchen and deposits me on the couch in the living room — bizarrely dressed back in my trackpants and ugg boots. Isn’t nature amazing?
The only thing that has been achieved in the training program, besides a few gym visits, is one attempted circuits class. For those of you who haven’t yet been subjected to the curious torture that is circuits class, it involves a repeated half an hour circuit (yes, there is method to Fitness First’s madness) of different types of contortionist exercises around a room, each for one minute each.
It essentially means 15 different ways for me to fail in front of a group of spectators, rather than just the usual one.
“Get up,” the trainer said when she saw me lying face down, panting, during the plank.
“Get up,” she said again when I got busted sitting casually on the step during tricep dips.
“For god’s sake, get up,” she yelled when my attempts at a sit up slightly toned those muscles in your neck you see when someone’s fake smiling too hard, but came no where near engaging anything remotely connected to my ‘core’.
“Oh I give up,” she said when I turned lunges into the similar, but potentially less graceful, lunge with the added side stumble into your neighbour as he tries to balance the equivalent of Madonna’s body weight above his head.
Well, fear not TM supportees, and potential TM participants! This time next week, things are all due to change. We have 4 new team members, and our very own fitness trainer, dedicated to whipping our motely crew into shape with weekly training sessions on a Sunday afternoon near Clapham. And, with weekly sessions, comes weekly updates.
As Michael McCormick, our PT extradoinare, reminds me — Tough Mudder is now only 13 weeks away. With this in mind, he’s devised us a specialized 12 week program he promises will produce great results very quickly.
So long as it doesn’t involve a circuits class, or rain, I think we’re going to get along just fine.
Want to join the Aussie Times team and come along to our Sunday arvo trainings?
What we’re looking for:
A great way to get fit, meet some new Aussies in London and tick rolling around in mud, a lot of mud, off your bucket list.
Email editor@australiantimes.co.uk with Tough Mudder in the subject if you’re interested. And send a link to this article to your friends who might be if not.